My Letter to Her

Hey.

I suppose this is the most cowardly way I can convey what I have been feeling over the past semester but at this point… I don’t think I really care anymore.

Maybe, someday I hope you’ll be able to read this.

I can’t start with “Ever since I met you” but… as I got to know you, you’ve been a particularly interesting character. Your carefree attitude, your adventurous streak and perhaps even your beauty has caught my eye.

Man, I can’t even find the right words that doesn’t make this sound cheesy, but… I don’t know. I really don’t know.

After that first night we went out with everyone, something special happened there. I knew you weren’t in full control of yourself but… it probably wasn’t real, but it was real in my head. It’s probably delusions that I have of you, but my thoughts translated into feelings. Maybe I was chasing a phantom that was conjured of a night of forgotten mistakes but nevertheless I have feelings for you. I have asked you out, but after I found out some things about you, I decided that you weren’t for me.

Every time I walked in there, I always looked for you first before anything, hoping to catch just a small glimpse of you. It didn’t matter if you looked haggard, or tired, I just wanted to see you.

Yeah, I know, it sounds really pathetic, but whatever, this is how I feel and I am not ashamed of it.

Despite the fact that I decided not to care anymore, or to pursue, but we met a few more times and the more I hear, it made me realize more and more of how I felt about you. I will not call it love because it is a dangerous feeling to confess to.

As the holidays grew closer, we hung out more, and I got to know you a bit more. I treasure every moment we had.

Then it came to that night, when I had a chance, and… I don’t know what it all meant, but… I showed you that I wasn’t the guy you thought me out to be.

I am more than that.

I am more than him.

At least I am honest with the people I am with.

I like you a lot, despite how fucked up you are, despite how broken you are, despite everything that you’ve done. I want to help you. But you didn’t let me in, so what was I supposed to do?

I’m sorry I wasn’t there to say goodbye. I had so much to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell you, because I didn’t want to complicate things in my life.

But now that you’re gone, and now that I am leaving for good, I’m not going to have a chance to tell you everything. I had so much to tell you, yet so little, yet so much I want to keep in myself until I enter my grave… But too little too late, huh?

I’m sorry I haven’t been truthful with you.

I’m sorry, if you’re reading this that this is the way you find out, but I don’t think you’ll ever see this.

If you do, this has got to be the most pathetic ever that you’ve read. But I don’t care.

I don’t want to care anymore.

But I can’t.

Everyday I see something that reminds me of you. It’s like the world itself is reminding me and mocking me at the same time.

I saw your name in the paper today in the train and all I could do was turn away and sigh.

That night… when you were having fun with all those guys. It hurt me so much seeing you act that way, but all I could do was put on my mask, and give my best smile, hiding the pain I felt inside.

I tried to be at least a good friend yet you wouldn’t let me be one.

…

Whatever it is now, I wish you all the best. I hope you find someone special that will treat you right. I hope you can fix your problems. I hope that someday… you can let me in, and give me a chance.

But I know it’s not possible, now that you’re gone.

I will… cherish whatever memories we had, as little as they were, but nonetheless… despite the inappropriateness and cheesiness of this whole thing, I will.

Goodbye.

2nd Thoughts on This Chapter

As I sat down in the tram on the way back home earlier today, a sudden, yet slight pang of sadness struck, as I realized that I have a bit over a week left in this country.

It hasn't become that apparent when I'm having fun these few days with Shevoune, Palm and Elly, and sometimes Sarah. Oh, and Pui Yee of course.

There will be some I shall sorely miss. Some that I am glad I will most probably never see again.

I came here dreading this country, counting down the days I will leave here, but as always, I have grown accustomed to this country, and grown to love it for it's ability to set some parts of me free, for it's imperfections, and for it's acceptance of those imperfections.

I will miss it for everything that M'sia isn't.

Like what? Oh... I don't know... non-flat-chested chicks... That's like, on top of the list. I'll leave it at that. I shudder to think the shit I'll deal with when I get back.

I think it'll feel something like losing a sense.

Maybe I'm exaggerating now, maybe it's going to be as I say it is.

But whatever it is... I'm going to try to have as much fun as I can while I can... to forget her... instead of wasting my days thinking of things that could have been, that never would have been...

I'm out.

Peace.

The Time Traveler's Wife

WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD!

Don't ask me how I ended up watching this, but I did. Paid a good 14.50 AUD to boot. But still, it was a decent movie. Won't exactly download it again in the near future, maybe when I'm bored and out of shit to watch.

The idea of the story is just amazing, where Henry randomly time travels and during his travels he has seen his dead mother over and over again, dying in a car accident and his love, Clare in different stages of her life.

The whole movie kicks off with young Henry meeting Clare for the first time in his life but she has known him all her life. They fall in love, get married, go through some problems since he randomly travels through time at the most inopportune times and such.

The climax of the story is when an older Henry time travels and appears in front of Clare, Henry and their two friends, wounded from a gunshot to the stomach, therefore showing them how Henry will die in the future. As such morbid thoughts are cast away, Henry and Clare decide to have a baby but due to Henry's time traveling abilities being a genetic anomaly, the baby time travels out of the womb as well and causes Clare to have multiple miscarriages.

Eventually, Henry time travels into the future to meet his future daughter, who is 10 years old, Alba, which is proof that Clare's latest pregnancy will not end in miscarrige like all the others in the past.

There's a bit more that I don't think I want to reveal as I've already spoiled it enough at this point.

Ol' Spiky's Rating: 3.5/5 Amazing story but not mindblowing. Watch if you've got the time and money.

Aw crap, I feel sick. Got a sore throat and my head feels a tad light. Kicker is that tonight I'm supposed to attend a Penthouse Magazine event at Men's Gallery. Yeah, it's a strip club. Yes, I have free tickets. Yes, I am thinking of NOT going.

We'll see what happens, yeah?

Peace.